20.8.2016 | 01:18
You may have noticed recently that my blogging has gotten all off-schedule.
Sorry about that.
The past couple of months have been … interesting, and not always in the good way.
(Remember that old Chinese curse? “May you live in interesting times”? Well, my “times” have definitely been interesting lately. Or something, anyway.)
The main part of what happened was that my safety and support network fell apart.
Like … completely disintegrated.
Or at least that’s how it felt.
There were several events where I was supposed to feel safe or have a group to support me.
It didn’t quite work out that way in reality….
I won’t lie: It’s been really, really hard for me. And I’ve struggled with it. As a matter of fact, I’m still struggling with it.
The people I can normally depend on to be there for me … weren’t.
Personally, professionally … all around.
And I fell through those holes.
I came this close to not caring anymore.
I didn’t want to write. I felt like I had nothing to say, or that no one wanted to hear it.
That’s not okay.
I do have things to say, and there are people who want to hear it – or even need to hear it.
And I fell down on the job.
I wasn’t here to support you.
To be completely honest, I didn’t even want to be here.
I started questioning everything: Do I even want to do this anymore? Do I want to keep writing, creating content?
I was even contemplating giving up on the program Debra and I are creating.
I just didn’t care.
I’ve been telling myself that part of it is just the peri-menopause.
That little adventure can really mess with your moods. (And boy howdy, has it ever been messing with mine….)
But I realized the other day that it isn’t just about others failing me.
One of my dear friends and colleagues, Steph Jackson, with whom I’ve been working for over a year now, said something recently that I had heard her say before, and it got me thinking.
When she coaches you, she tells you right up front that she isn’t going to have all the answers for you.
(Hint: I’m not going to have all the answers for you either.)
She tells her clients – and I’m one of them, so I know this – that we have to take responsibility for our own health, and our own successes (or failures).
We have to be our own health superheroes.
Well, guess what?
I haven’t been a superhero lately.
I haven’t even wanted to be a superhero for the past couple of days.
My safety net and support network didn’t fail me. (Well, they sorta did, but that’s not really my point.)
I failed me.
I allowed others to provide that feeling of safety. I needed others to support me while I was struggling.
And hey, they didn’t.
And it really messed with my head.
Yes, we need to reach out to others when we need help. Absolutely. That’s part of being a community – we all help each other when we need help, right?
But we’re only human.
And sometimes … well, sometimes we’re going to screw up.
We’re not going to be there when someone needs us.
So here’s the thing:
When it gets right down to it, we have to stop giving our power away to others.
We can’t leave it to someone else to make us feel safe.
Sometimes we need to reach out for help – and hopefully we’ll reach out to the right person, the one who can give us what we need at the right time.
But we also – sometimes – need to stand on our own two feet.
For what it’s worth, this isn’t over for me.
I need to take some time, do some deep digging and soul-searching, and figure out just what it is that I need.
I need to figure out what I can do for myself, and where I need help.
And then I need to reach out to my support network, and if I can’t find that support there, I need to try someone else.
But I need to connect with my own inner strength first – my superhero self – and stop depending on others to do it for me.
Sure, some days I’ll just want to play video games or watch “Game of Thrones” or something. (Shh, don’t give anything away – I’ve only seen the first season so far!)
And that’s okay.
I don’t need to be a superhero every day.
I just need to know that I can be one when I need to be.
That I can count on myself to be strong, and step up and be here for me.
Because if I can’t depend on myself to do that, then I can’t be here for you.
I can’t help you tap into your superhero self.
And that is not okay….
Because I can’t fix all your problems. I don’t have all the answers for you, remember?
But I can at least try to help you find your own inner superhero.
So you can be there for yourself when your safety net or support network falls apart.
Now if I could just decide whether my unlikely superhero name should be the Divine Dragon or the Fairy CatMother….